Parental Reset

Remember when your Nintendo would freeze up?  Dust in the cartridge or something?  You'd have to pull out the cartridge, blow in the game and the console to dislodge the dust and reset the whole thing?  Ticked off that your high score might be lost because the stupid thing froze???  Well, sometimes parenting can be the same way.

It is not news to you that my life is stressful.  At least for me.  I don't mean to complain about it...it's the life I have chosen.  But my plate is pretty full right now.  All our stressors have contributed to the Hub and I being less than stellar parents of late.  And we hate it.  We know our boys deserve better.  So we've made a commitment to change things.

Here's how we're approaching this.

We've read a lot by Janet Lansbury and feel this is a parenting model that fits us well.  We want to parent positively.  Not all weird, tree-huggery.  But positively.  Not all "NOs" and "Don'ts".  Check out her site and see what you think.  We believe that positive parenting will help build our children's self esteem.  Give them some power and decision making skills.  Empower them to make the right choices.  Not make them feel ashamed when they do something wrong.  Making those opportunities teachable moments.  I know this varies greatly from the kind of parenting most of our generation is used to.  But I think it can work.  And we're on board with it.  I've just purchased "No Bad Kids" by Janet Lansbury.  I'll let you know how it is.

I try to remind myself all. the. time. that these are tiny little people who have only been on this earth 1-3 years.  THAT'S NOTHING.  I think sometimes we expect a child to just "know" how to do something or how to behave.  We forget that we must teach them the right way to do or act.

I am in the business of feelings.  It is important for me to be sure my boys can identify their feelings and have ownership of them.  I have heard parents (and even the Hub) tell children, "don't be mad" or "stop crying".  I can't even honestly say I haven't said these things myself.  But I know when I have, I have immediately felt off about it.  Who am I to say a child can't feel a certain way?  So we are making a concerted effort to help the boys identify how they're feeling and giving them safe and acceptable ways of expressing themselves.  For instance, PB has a habit of either hitting us or knocking everything off the counter when he's angry (usually when he's been told "no").  We are responding with "I can see you're mad and that's ok.  But I won't let you hit me/hit your brother/throw things around the room.  You may hit this pillow or go scream in the bathroom and come back to see me when you feel ready".

You might have also seen Positive Parenting Solutions advertising a free webinar on Facebook.  It pops up in my feed a lot.  I watched it a few weeks ago and felt like parenting expert, Amy McCready, had a lot of good information.  I would recommend listening in on one of her free webinars if you have the inclination to do so.  She offers a parenting advice service for a fee, and I am sure it would be very useful, but I'm just sticking to the free stuff for now.

The most powerful thing I learned in this webinar surprised me a little.  Having studied child development and worked in Pediatrics for the last 12 years, I am familiar with attention-seeking behavior.  I know that children will seek attention negatively if the need is not met positively.  I feel like our kids get a good amount of positive attention but find that there are still unwanted behaviors.

McCready talks about kids needing attention and power.  Ah, here is where we find ourselves.  It seems so obvious yet I was so surprised by it.  Of course PB is getting to the age where he needs a lot more autonomy and ability to make some decisions on his own.  Of course, they're guided decisions, but decisions nonetheless.

One of the things we'll be working on most is our reactions to their behaviors.  I get so frustrated when they're dawdling and I'm trying to get something done.  Or when PB knocks things off the counter.  Or when Baby Brother screams and cries because he wants to be held.  Constantly.  I, myself, am working on temper management and effective responses to those behaviors.  And I know the Hub is working on that too.

So here we are.  At the reset button.  I share this information with you in case you need a reset button too.  Better yet...use it preemptively.  So you never have to take your game out and blow.