CONFESSION

There are a lot of things I think and feel that, like everyone else, I keep to myself.  At least for a while.  And then at some point, I confess them.  To someone.  Why can't that someone be you??  So here is the first of what I am sure will be many, many confessions.

#1
I try my hardest to not judge people, believing that every person has their own story, their own struggles.  But, like everyone else, sometimes, I judge.  I remember looking at new mothers (before I was one) and saying things to myself like "the baby is 6 months old....you should be thrilled to spend the night away!" or "ever since so-and-so had their baby, we never see them.  How hard is it to bring the baby along?  All they do is sleep anyway, right"?  

One of the phrases I try not to use, because I hate when it's said to me, is "someday, you'll understand".  It was said to me by some of my married friends before I was married and it was said to me by my friends who were mothers before I was one.  I feel like it's condescending.  Makes the recipient feel like you think they can't realistically empathize or something. 

But...I see now....it's really true.  You really cannot understand the sense of peace and comfort you'll have until you're legally and spiritually connected to someone.  How even though you've been together for 7 years and living together for most of it, marriage really does feel different.  You really cannot understand how, in one little millisecond, nothing else means anything to you other than that soft, tiny, perfect little human all snuggled up in their burrito wrapped blankie next to you. 

Here's a good example:

In my work, I sometimes get referrals from nurses who were mothers about this baby or that whose parents were here upon admission and have not returned since....and its been 5 days.  Sure, the parents call for updates, but there is no one in the room.  No one but nurses to comfort that sick and needy baby.  For YEARS I would make excuses for these parents, always playing the devil's advocate.  "They have other children at home and can't find a sitter".  "Both parents need to work.  There's no sense in a parent losing their job when there are perfectly kind and capable nurses and volunteers here to be with the baby".  These nurses would always work hard to make their cases to me and then shake their heads when I continued to defend these absent parents.

And then.........................................................................................................

I became a mother.  Now, I know not all parents are like me.  But oh.my.goodness.  If my baby was in PICU (or even general PEDS for that matter) there is no way that child would spend one single second unattended.  Not one.  If Hubby and I absolutely HAD to work and there was no option or we would lose our jobs, we would be recruiting people from every nook and cranny of our lives to be there with PB.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, my step-siblings, my girlfriends, anyone from the best group of friends ever (the Cooler Posse), neighbors.  Someone.  Someone would be here.  This is something I can honestly admit, I did not understand until I was a parent.

This thing at work has had a real impact on my life.  I have realized that until I have been there and done that, I really won't understand.  Really.  I think it has made me a better advocate and a better social worker.  And in turn, a better mother.

My life has changed in every aspect.  My work life, my social life, my spiritual life, my marriage.  It's all changed and all for the better by leaps and bounds.  And of course there are people who don't understand.  They haven't walked 5 feet in my shoes, nevermind a mile!!  But I still will try to never say to anyone "someday, you'll understand" because in all truth....someday, they will.  They don't need me telling them so.